I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Two words: nipple clamps
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