I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
