Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
3 2 1 whiskey
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
