im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
