The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
