My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
dude. I can hear the air.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
