Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
