what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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