I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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