He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
