Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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