Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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