I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
