I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
