dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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