i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
