She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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