and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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