we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
