I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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