no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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