sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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