There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
