So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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