I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
