Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
