Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
