Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think I won the penis lottery.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
