I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
