thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
