I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
