Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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