I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
