I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
