yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
