I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i think my tv is drunk
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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