I bet he comes in French.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
