Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
