I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
