Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
