If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
