i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
