why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need a beard to bite.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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