people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
