Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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