The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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