but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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