i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
