everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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