She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
