he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
